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Sometimes I get asked what would it take to convince me that IBWOs are actually extinct… so I’ll pass along yet another re-work of a very old post/list from 17+ years ago:
10 things that would make me re-consider the possibility that IBWOs are really extinct:
10. A snowball makes its way through Hell unscathed...
9. Gene Sparling, Tim Gallagher, and Bobby Harrison finally confess that their whole storyline and sightings were a hoax dreamed up following a 5th round of Tequila Sunrises in a local Little Rock bar & grill.
8. Someone finds an Ivory-bill hanging in the woods with a note that reads, "Good-bye cruel world, I was the very last of my kind."
7. New, advanced genetic techniques prove once-and-for-all that Ivory-billed Woodpeckers NEVER actually existed to begin with, but were merely the hybrid offspring of Pileateds and Imperials hooking up on Friday nights.
6. Pileated Woodpeckers finally admit to pranking foolish, naive birders by dressing up as Ivory-bills and swooping through Southern hardwoods (after a few too many fermented berries).
5. At the next A.O.U. meeting, Cornell announces that they have documented a small population of Moas residing deep in the heart of Staten Island (...though the videotape is a tad fuzzy).
4. I’m informed that, unbeknownst to most northerners, a longstanding, fun pastime of southern youngsters, is constructing and flying paper-mache models of Ivory-billed Woodpeckers in their local woods.
3. It’s discovered that 97% of ALL participants on social media discussing Ivory-bills heatedly back-and-forth are actually just aliases of some bloke named Fred.
2. An unannounced raid of David Sibley's painting studio by Federal agents finds shelves and shelves and shelves of stuffed Ivory-billed Woodpecker carcasses with time, date, and place of collection meticulously recorded… BUT, none more recent than Sept.,1982.
1. Newly-released classified government documents (from Julian Assange) reveal that the "Birds aren't real" movement is 100% true!!
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